This change was not going to hurt.
Or at least, that’s what I told myself. And I didn’t tell myself that without reason. I mean, I had good reasons to think so.
One of them? Well, this change had occupied share of my mind since the end of May, when I made known my intention to resign.
Okay, the cat is out of the bag. Yes, I resigned from my job at the end of last month, August 31st. And I was delirious enough to think it would be easy to close the chapter on that part of my life, with gratitude that I was gifted the moments I had and an open mind towards my tomorrows, and all they had to offer.
But it’s not that simple.
I truly believe in seasons, and the truth that the changing colors of our lives will require us to become someone else, this someone already dormant in us that we have to give expression to.
But I forgot that change is hard, and you can never prepare enough for the feeling of jumping over a cliff into an unknown that exhilarates and scares you at the same time. I forgot that human interactions leave imprints, especially hard to let go off when they are imprints that take us on a journey and leave us better than we were, like my work with my boss did for me. I did not think that my attempt to hold myself accountable for the life I build would come with questions, and some of them, I would not be able to answer.
But it’s done.
I am thankful for uncertainties, for the moments that jolt me deep down in my heart and fill me with questions.
I am thankful for the journey, because it keeps changing me, it keeps refining me and it keeps expanding my vision and definition of possibilities.
It is my belief that every moment of our lives, even the most mundane, is telling us something. And the universe is always sending us messages, if we choose to see them and interpret. For example; I was supposed to publish this post on Saturday, 1st of September, heralding a new month and all that stuff. But I did not. Or perhaps it is more appropriate to say I could not. I suddenly had cold feet, and had to inhale the whiff of my questions.
But that’s not my focus. My focus is that since then, I have felt like eyes were boring into me and words were being spoken into my ears to just “do it”. Every post I read, every image I saw, even the blog post I stumbled on yesterday; it seemed there was some content there meant for me, all saying the same thing.
When I told my friend I felt judged by the universe, he said, “It won’t stop until you do it.” I think I spotted these patterns, because I am often deliberately trying to find them.
So here it is; the first of many. In my clearer moments, I remind myself that the point is not to have a full-fledged blueprint at any one time, but to be open to new knowledge and experiences that will foster growth.
A season is done. And while I am so thankful for it, another watch begins. (GoT had to feature, sorry.)
I am so ready for this! (That’s at least half a lie, but we’ll take it as truth). Lol!